(I know that the Onion is infinitely superior to my blog, but at least we wrote about the same thing! Kind of. Nonetheless, I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to the ole chickenboy thanking him for having the foresight to suggest a topic that is quite obviously of great importance.)
If you ever get the impression that you are being stalked, you should take a moment to consider that you might actually be paranoid. Paranoid and transparent. Very, very transparent.
If you're reading this and anxiously awaiting a breakdown of my food consumption and workouts, there's a really, really good chance you'll be disappointed. Also, any expectations of profound wisdom are also not likely to be fulfilled.
12:18 PM
The Golden Goose It's not like my life revolves around this stupid blog.
1. wake up
2. blog
3. eat a Chick Fil-A chicken biscuit and drink a diet coke
4. blog
5. make purely symbolic appearance at gym
6. stop at Whataburger for a combo or 3 to be consumed in the car long before arriving at home
7. blog
8. sleep
9. blog
10. sleep
Guess what? That's not my day! I'd even go so far as to say that it's a complete description of someone else's day.
Inspiration must strike. Art cannot be forced! Why do so many question insist on questioning what they do not understand?
12:14 PM
Monday, September 16, 2002
Monday
Breakfast Kashi GoLean with soymilk
orange juice
Community Dark Roast
Today's topic is Gym Etiquette. Or, more specifically, Weight-Room Etiquette. Cardio, locker room, sauna, etc. will be addressed as time permits.
1. Anyone who has no interest in, or thinks they don't need to be educated about *Gym Etiquette* should be forced at gunpoint into a remedial gym etiquette course, then tested for compliance before being allowed on the floor unsupervised.
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2. Leave any piece of equipment in the same or a better condition than that in which you found it. It is not necessary to restore seat height, angle, or other settings, but it is necessary to re-rack all weights that you use, remove any perspiration you may have left, and take all of your personal articles with you.
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3. When un-racking/re-racking: remove/replace weights in an efficient manner and then get away from the rack. The area immediately in front of the rack is not under any circumstances to be used for lifting, stretching, loitering, etc. On your way to and from the racks, take care not to get too close to anyone who is lifting, and try to avoid walking between the mirror and a person who is using the mirror whenever possible. Also, when in the act of re-racking, don't be without pattern recognition. This applies not just to re-racking weights, but to putting plates in the appropriate place (yes that means you old man at 24-Hour Fitness, if you were strong enough to get them off the rack, you're strong enough to put them back on the correct spindle), and dumbbells on their holder.
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4. If you are not actively using a piece of equipment, or planning to be actively using said equipment within one minute (sixty seconds), do not sit or otherwise linger about it. Rather, move away from it so that others will know it is free for use. However, if someone is actively using a piece of equipment and they leave it to get water, etc., said equipment shall not be claimed by another until a one minute grace period has expired, or until a verbal exchange indicating said equipment is now free has taken place. After one minute, equipment is fair game, but requests by the original occupant to 'work in' should be honored whenever possible. Also, leaving a personal article on a piece of equipment extends one's grace period from one minute to two minutes. However, after the two minutes have elapsed, the leaver of said articles should be the subject of disparaging remarks (and possibly the *stink-eye*), the offending article shall be removed, and the equipment shall be claimed without further ceremony.
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5. Do not use a piece of equipment for purposes other than intended when the proper equipment is available. Examples: Do not use a bench with a rack to do abs, when a free-standing bench is available. Do not use the cable machine primarily intended for two-attachment exercises (ie, cable crossovers) to do a one-attachment exercise, when the other, multipurpose-variety cable machine is available.
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6. If you wish to use bad form, try to do so in a manner that will not attract undue attention from others, and only when there are not other, more worthy exercisers waiting to use the equipment. If a betting pool has formed for those wishing to predict the timing, and/or nature of your inevitable injuries, you might be doing something wrong. In this case you should either: (a) cease and desist, or (b) speed up the injury process, thereby allowing the issue to be settled, the money to be exchanged, and the participants to move on to other matters.
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7. The gym is an excellent place for conversation, except when someone is in the middle of a set. Encouraging or hateful remarks are only permitted by pre-approved individuals. If there is any question as to approval status, or if someone is lifting a particularly heinous amount of weight, remain silent. All conversations, distractions, and gestures are forbidden in mid-set. If you wish to speak with someone immediately following a set, stand quietly by and wait for them to finish.
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8. Do not talk loudly, particularly about dumb stuff, unless you can look around the gym and be absolutely confident that no one present has more lean muscle mass than you. Cellphone use is permitted so long as the following conditions are met: (a) the ringer is either off or at the lowest possible volume (b) no expectation is made regarding privacy (c) Rules #4 and #7 are strictly adhered to.
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9. No references to counter-productive food groups shall be made in the presence of those who are vulnerable to such.
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10. Before doing anything at all, take at least one moment, or as many as required, to consider the ramifications of your actions and the well-being of other exercisers, then remember the Golden Rule. However, in cases where there is a great difference in fitness levels between individuals, or under circumstances in which the proper course of action is less clear, the more buff person shall be deferred to.
9:49 AM
In Retrospect I did back Thursday, but I neglected to expound on it then, and I don't really remember all of what I did, which was a shame, b/c I did some different stuff. But alas, life goes on. I think fitness-specific software is the only way to go. Randomly recording workouts on a blog doesn't allow for production of charts, graphs, etc. So, I will go ahead and say that even if said software costs as much as $30, it is probably worth it. But enough of that.
Oh, and I totally went to the gym Saturday (where I kicked serious cardio ass) and Sunday (where I kicked no ass and barely broke a sweat).
9:47 AM
