DEAR ABBY: I've been going out with an extraordinarily
attractive woman I'll call Alice. We love spending
time together. However, she has some issues I don't
know how to handle. Alice was abused by several
ex-boyfriends and her self-esteem is zero. She is
intelligent, witty, caring -- but doesn't believe a
word I say because of the mind games she has been
subjected to.
I'm one of those "knight in shining armor" types who
is faithful, doesn't throw temper tantrums, remembers
to put the toilet seat down, gives my lady fresh
flowers, etc., but whenever we talk about our future,
she ends up in tears. She tells me she doesn't deserve
to be treated so nicely and runs away because
everything I am is so foreign to her. It's as though
she's waiting for the other shoe to drop -- a shoe I
don't have in my hand.
I want Alice to know she is a valuable person and
worthy of the love I want to give her. Have any of
your female readers been abused by an old boyfriend,
met a nice guy, and then were able to have a normal
relationship? -- ANONYMOUS IN ANCHORAGE
Dear Anonymous:
Alice simply isn't ready to be in a relationship yet. If she doesn't trust you, she must be assuming that you are abusive just like her past boyfriends, which means she is willing to date someone she thinks may abuse her if given the chance. Which is, of course, a very bad thing. And telling you that she doesn't deserve to be treated nicely? Not exactly what you'd call healthy. She needs to realize that it isn't her fault she was treated badly and then learn to date non-abusive guys. This might happen all of a sudden, or it might take a lot of work. All you can do is be supportive. She has to deal with this on her own. Any relationship you could have before she has come to terms with her past will be necessarily dysfunctional.
1:39 PM
Thursday, May 01, 2003 Dear LeBaroness
DEAR ABBY: My mom and dad think I have ADD and so does
my fourth-grade teacher. Both my sisters, my baby
sitter and cousin all believe that I don't have ADD.
Who should I believe, Abby? -- MIXED-UP 9-YEAR-OLD GIRL
Dear Mixed:
Your mother and father want to believe that you have ADD because they consider it a blanket excuse for all their failures as parents. Your teacher believes you do because teachers always want to believe this, due to their having heard the word "ADD" mentioned at a teachers conference. Confront them with this reality, then tell them that they need to find other matters to entertain themselves with. Then try to be well-behaved from now on. Your parents are idiots, and most of your teachers will probably be idiots too. You must accept this and better yourself in spite of it.
8:39 AM
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 Dear LeBaroness
I've always been sort of a tomboy, even as an adult.
But I'm worried that maybe it's gone too far. I
recently cut my hair really short, and I love to wear
men's clothing, especially boxers. I'm attracted to
guys and don't think I'm gay, but why do I feel more
comfortable dressing like a man?
Maybe you are rebelling against what you perceive to be excessive fussiness in traditional female garb. Whatever the problem is, you need to start dressing like a girl. Women's clothing is comfortable and fun. Rediscover it.
12:00 PM
Dear LeBaroness...
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Betsy," looks and
acts older than her age. She's interested in older
guys (17 to 19), and they're interested in her. Even
though Betsy is not yet allowed to date or go to
teenage clubs in town, it's becoming difficult for me
to say no all the time.
How can I slow down my daughter's maturity? I would
like Betsy to enjoy her childhood while she can. I
realize her dad and I must allow her to grow up -- I
just don't want it to be this early. And yes, she is
aware of sex. We've had "the talk." -- WATCHFUL MOM IN
LOUISIANA
Don't say no all the time. Say yes, occasionally, with strings attached. If she has boundaries and you know where she is, who she's with, etc., you should be able to allow her some freedom while still retaining control.
11:47 AM
