Today we're going to talk about the disgusting sponge that resides by the sink in the break area near my wretched workspace. I believe it to be utterly revolting, as well as highly symbolic of my work environs.
It is a blue sponge of the type most often associated with washing or cleaning, and there's no reason to believe that this particular sponge is not intended to be employed in such service. It has been where it is for some time. Before it was where it is, a similar sponge preceded it, and suffered under similar conditions. It is apparently used, or at least handled, on a daily basis. For sometimes when I see it it is wet, other times, dry. And it's position relative to the sink changes often, leaving no doubt that some person or sinister force takes it upon his or her or itself to cause this movement. The mere thought nauseates me.
This sponge is FILTHY. I have never touched it, and I take great pains to maximize the distance from myself and it, as I can only imagine the thing positively reeks of putrid rancidity. Merely gazing upon it from my distant vantage point, I'm able to discern how filthy it is and even see how slimy and foul its texture must surely be. Why this thing even manifests itself as it does is beyond me. Cleaning, you might ask, sarcastically? I ask of you, then, WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE CLEANING? If a person has something that they wish to clean that is dirtier than that sponge, then that individual (or sinister force) has some serious, serious problems. What the hell would someone be doing that causes them to have in their possession something that they believe might be dirtier than that sponge? I cannot imagine anything so filthy that it could be made cleaner or otherwise improved by coming into contact with that sponge. Take a gander at that bad boy and see if you can fathom anything being less sanitary. If you have stuff that is dirtier than the sponge I'm describing to you, slowly back away from your monitor and call 911 because you are in need of professional help. Ideally from a TEAM of professionals. Do it, for this is no laughing matter. I wouldn't clean my toilet with that sponge. In fact, despite my history of frequenting unkempt, seedy bars that do not appear to have ever employed custodial staff, I can say with absolute confidence that I've never in my life seen a toilet that could be made cleaner with the likes of that sponge. Given the choice between washing my coffee cup with that sponge or a with the brush that sits patiently by my toilet, I would choose the toilet brush with no hesitation whatsoever. Any rational person who gazed upon that sponge would make the same choice. (Allow me to digress: Please note that I specified my toilet brush, as I can make no claims regarding other toilet brushes. However, if you have a toilet brush that is dirtier than the work-sponge, you might really give some serious thought to committing suicide.)
But the filthy sponge is more than just a filthy sponge harboring millions of colonies of bacteria, thousands of mold spores, random bits of rotten food, with a hearty dash of viruses and fungi thrown in for good measure. It is a symbol of the fetid, toxic, diseased, ugly, disgusting, vile, depravity that is my workplace. My hope is that one day I will be able toss out my current job in the manner in which that sponge deserves to be tossed out.
4:11 PM
