"Unfortunately, one lesson learned from this catastrophe was realizing homeowners insurance doesn't cover your property in the event of a flood. You must have flood insurance," said Robert Latham, director of the Mississippi Emergency Management Agency.
Anyone who's been following the news knows this is bad advice. I'm here to provide good advice. If you have doubts about the validity of my advice, search the SunHerald archives for articles about flood insurance or lack thereof published between, say, August 29 and now.
Here's what ya do:
1. Don't buy flood insurance. 2. Have your home damaged by rising water. 3. Claim that a storm surge is not a flood. 4. Scream that "it's wind-driven water!" 5. If anyone reminds you that your homeowners insurance policy clearly excludes damage from flood water "wind-driven or otherwise" ignore them. If they persist, hysterically accuse them of being in the pockets of Big Insurance. Do this even if it is an eight year old child. 5. Have some good sob stories. Try to involve a small child in the story. 6. Find a lawyer who can say with a straight face that clearly written contracts mutually agreed upon by an insurance company and an uncoerced homeowner are made to be broken and rewritten by said lawyer with no basis in fact whatsoever. Finding this lawyer will not be difficult. 7. Find some assclown politicians who will join the lawyer in his nonsensical ranting. This, again, will not be difficult. 8. Repeat sob story, embellishing this time with a baby or puppy. Also describe any other misfortunes you have experienced, whether or not they have anything to do with flooding at all, and say they were caused by flooding as well. 9. Accept the ill-gotten monies that are funneled to you through your lawyer (who will take the lion's share of the money and direct a portion to your politicians) and your politicians, who will take a healthy chunk as well and then get on TV to brag about helping people just like you. 10. Laugh at the people who actually paid for flood insurance.
2:59 PM
