Recently, I've noticed a marked increase in the amount of spam sneaking through my spam filter and thus rearing its ugly head in my inbox. I've also noticed that it is of a certain variety. It seems that I have a lot of overseas admirers, and they REALLY admire me! Apparently they've heard great things about me, since I'm quite famous. Except that I'm not famous at all. Some of them are really impressed by my "profile" that they've apparently been looking at, which is quite a feat considering that said profile does not actually exist. But even though I never bothered to complete a profile, the words within it are such that they stir the very souls of these exceedingly polite foreigners. They pour out their hearts to me (and only me) and spare no details in describing their various misfortunes.
I'm not merely the hero of a bunch of random losers sitting in crappy internet cafes. I'm the hero of well-educated and highly pedigreed individuals, who all happen to be extremely wealthy and eager to share their massive wealth with me. They all want to meet in person, of course, because they hold me in such high esteem, but even if that isn't possible, they admire and trust me so much that they will arrange to transfer millions of dollars to me. I have only to send them but a pittance to facilitate the transaction. That's how great I am!
As evidence of my extreme fabulousness, I offer the following (unedited) email that I received today:
From Miss Mary Allen I am delighted to write to you. My name is Mary Sandra Allen, I am sorry if this mail will come to you as an embarrassment or a surprise, I just felt like empting myself to you, after reading your profile ,I decided to confide in you, as am faced with total frustration and hardship. My Ernest prayer is that you find this mail in good health and blessings.I am presently residing in Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire.I left my country with my father after the death of my mother during the war in our country and we came here because my father owned a business here,(cocoa business), during the going political crisis here which has turn out into a civil war since 2003,my father was attacked and killed here at the hit of the crisis as the rebels were killing prominent foreigners with the reason that they were financially supporting the government against them and the rebels are accusing the government of doing the killing. Presently,I am staying in a REFUGEE camp assisted by the Red cross orga nisation, due to the way which the camp is securitized by united nations forces and after the death of my father, our house was set ablaze, I was unable to meet my needs pay my bills and accommodation and in my dilemma which was another reason for going to the camp, where I could not at least feed and sleep as I did not know anyone here. I take permission to go to the town where they have internet access to enable me correspond with you. Secondly, my late father confided in me before his death the sum of $8.5 million dollars which he deposited with a bank here in cote d'ivoire.I will want you to help me see that this fund is transfered out of this country because of the war here.My father confided so much in me after the death of my mother, we were so close that he never did anything without my knowledge and opinion. All that I want is your sincere and genuine help in helping me to see that this fund is transfered to your account in your country were you will also help me inv est this fund in a very good business as soon its been transfered to your account.I cannot allow the money remain here, why, because of the war here which possess a great risk to as my life and future solely lies on it. If you have heard from the news for the past few months now there has been intense fighting and bombing by the French troops which I will like to live here as soon as we have this money moved out of this country. I will also like to know if you can come down here for this assistance but if you cant come,i will also suggest you ask the bank to provide you with a lawyer that will represent you here because am a small girl and i really dont know much about transaction.I know that this is our first mail, but I have decided to confide in you from the choice of your word on your profile. I want you to know that for years now, I have lived inabsolute frustration, tires and pains without any person around me, no parent, uncles or friend, but God had kept me until now, which I believe that I will smile once again.Thirdly, I do not want to attach myself to you out of desperation so that I do not get used rather I intend you helping me to see that this money as I intend living for your country to start an entire new life and complete my education, as you will have to help in the investment of this money. But I really need your help at this trial and difficult time of mine. I am totally frustrat ed that my whole mind for now lies on my survival which is securing this money. Finally,i am going to give you 20% of the total money for your assistance.Please I am confiding completely in you and I really need your assistance at this point of my life as you alone knows of this venture. I have enclosed my copies of my personal pictures and my late father's pictures for your view while I will expect to have yours in return. I wait to hear from you. Thank you. e-mail me (mary70allen@yahoo.fr) Miss Mary
Seriously, this stuff is getting old. Although it's easy enough to click on "empty" and get rid of that crap, it still rather irks me that so much stupid garbage is sent on a daily basis. Also, I find it particularly annoying that some of it is slipping through the filter. Again, it's easy enough to delete, but I find it extremely bothersome that damn fools are still falling for this crap and therefore making it profitable for these criminals to send out millions of spam scams each day. And I think there's a special spot in hell reserved for people who choose to spend their time generating this crap. If the world really hates us as much as they say on the news, then the reputation of the USA would be only more tarnished if we were to, say, order some tactical strikes on a few internet cafes. Obviously this wouldn't entirely solve the problem, but if the targets were chosen carefully based on their spam output, it would certainly help. And the huge explosions would be awesome. And I know awesome when I see it.
4:50 PM
